My soldier

He would give his life for America...

I would give my life for his...

Pulling himself up... What next!?

I am so proud of my baby! Jacob now pulls himself up to standing position all by himself. The first time he did this was Sunday at his great grandparent's house. I was loading the dishwasher and he was playing by my feet. I look down to discover he is standing up leaning on the door of the dishwasher for support. The first thing out of my mouth was, "You don't know how to do that!". Everyone was laughing. Finally one of his firsts when there were other people around to confirm what he did. I got up Monday morning to see him standing in the crib holding on to the rail and the same thing this morning.
Jacob got his first injury today that resulted in needing a band-aid. He was playing on the floor next to me as I was cleaning the entertainment center. I look at him and he has blood on his arm and leg. I took a wet-one and washed his arm off and there was no cuts so I washed his leg off and found the cut. A tiny cut on his knee. I have no idea how he cut himself but it didn't want to quit bleeding. I guess he is going to be a bleeder like his uncle Bill.
I went to my PCM to talk about getting a referral for a breast reduction. Her first reaction was that she didn't think I would qualify bit after talking to me she changed her mind and said most people qualify so I should. My first step towards the breast reduction I have been thinking about for a couple years. Lets keep our fingers crossed that it goes through without a glitch.
Watching my child sleep still takes my breath away... It is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen.

Emptying my head...

I have actually been able to talk to David the past couple days with no arguing. He went from wanting a divorce to wanting to go to Vegas within a couple days. I just don't understand. I love this man so much it's just really hard. He is acting so different lately. I am the paranoid type so I am worrying that it's everything from PTSD to Depression to ??? I just wish he would go talk to someone, but maybe he doesn't see how he's acting different. I want to tell him something is wrong with him but I don't want him to get mad so... I don't know. I know he loves me so I am just blaming everything on the deployment. I could never imagine being in his shoes but he can't know what it's like to be in mine. He said something last week that felt like a knife was jabbed into my gut. I was making progress on this issue and that threw me back on my ass. I know we both say things when we are mad at each other just to hurt the others feelings but I will later apologize because I know I didn't mean what I said, he just never apologizes so it makes me worry that he isn't sorry or that he really meant it. Maybe I just take everything he says to heart and I shouldn't but I am not thick skinned so when he says a hurtful thing it stays with me. I don't know.... OK, I am done. That's just been eating away at me and I had to get it out of my head.
I talked to the Sacred Heart priest today about having our wedding there and getting Jacob baptized there. I have a meeting with him Thursday morning. I have to make a list of everything I want to talk about. I don't want to leave with questions.
I have an appointment on the 31st to talk to my PCM about a breast reduction. I have been thinking about this for about a year and so when David mentioned it a couple weeks ago I decided with his support I would look more into it. I have been suffering with lower back and shoulder pain for some time and I am going to blame it on these damn things I have hanging from my body. They are heavy, saggy, uneven, and just plain ugly. I am just praying Tricare will cover the surgery. We couldn't afford it otherwise.
I want to start working. I have come to the realization there is no way I could do a full time job and handle everything else on my own. I am going to call Baudette hospital on Monday and see if they could use a nurse for every other weekend. I could handle that and it would give us more money.
David filled out the paperwork to get us a place on post. I love this man! He didn't need to go through all the work to do that but he did. He really does love me.
Yes, I know my blogs don't make sense. I just use this as a place to empty my head and what goes on in there doesn't make sense.
Jacob is crawling all over. He gets into everything that is in his reach. I am constantly getting him out of something. He has an attitude just like his father. When he gets mad at me he tries to run me over. OK, I shouldn't have said that because now I am thinking of Felicia. Anyways! Jacob is a wonderful gift GOD gave us. I love him so much. I just wish David could be here to enjoy all this with me. Jacob says "dada" now. I don't know if he relates that word to David or if it's just a word he heard a lot.
Only 6 months (give or take a day or week) till this deployment is over. Only 150 some before I move to Texas.
My head is pretty much empty now... One more thing. We are contemplating reenlisting or not. I don't know how I feel or what I think of this so not much to say about it.... OK, now my head is empty.
Just believe things will work out and they will plain and simple.

Jacob update...

Quick Jacob update....

Weight: 17 lbs. 11 oz.
Height: 27 5/8 inches.
Head Circumference: 17 1/2 inches

He is now sitting up with ease and crawling. He eats pretty much anything in sight. Learning how to wave bye bye and do patty cake.

Life

I am now 23 years old, a mother to a seven month old, and Army wife...... That's my life. Strange how things turn out differently then you envisioned them at a child. I would sit for hours dreaming about my wedding, my career, my house, and my family. I have somewhat the career I envisioned I'm not the NICU RN but I am an LPN and have helped many lives. I am shopping for a dress for my wedding which I have this sick feeling in my gut will never happen and yet I put myself through getting my hopes up and having them crushed. Don't get me wrong I am married to the most wonderful husband, I just regret not having the wonderful wedding. I am living in my own house, definitely not the one I drew floor plans of as a child but it's still my home. My family is exactly what I dreamed. I have a beautiful son and a loving husband and two almost well behaved dogs. The Army is something I never thought about. I never ever imagined being an Army wife or having a husband deployed to a country where people want to kill him. Even though I have often gripped about the Army life I know that when or if we ever leave it I will miss it. I have come accustomed to being 2nd and now 3rd in my husband's life. I know and am proud to say the flag comes first.
As I sit out here on my porch while my son is asleep in his crib and my husband is hopefully sleeping in Iraq I am thankful for what GOD has given me and even though it's not what that 10 year old little girl sitting on her bed in the bedroom she shared with her sister envisioned I am happy with it.
Thank GOD for not letting us determine our own futures...

What I've learned the past 8 months...

David has been deployed for 8 months now.... 8 months of living on my own, 6 of those with a beautiful son. During the last 8 months I learned I can do most anything I thought I couldn't. Some of the things I have learned during this deployment are:
I can drive 20 hours and cry the whole time.
I can make it through holidays with or without the cherished phone call.
I can give birth to a child.
Childbirth sucks even if you get pain medicine.
I can love someone just as much as I love my husband.
Driving in a snow storm by yourself and with your child are two totally different things.
I can shovel out a driveway all by myself.
I can shovel out a driveway twice in one day at record speeds all by myself.
Romance can happen even when the person you love is continents away from you.
How to jump start a vehicle.
How to fix a toilet.
I can drive a manual without my husband in the passenger seat.
I can feed a baby, write a letter, eat, watch tv, and talk on the phone at the same time.
How to give a dog a haircut.
How to put a stroller, car seat, and highchair together... Reading the instructions is a good thing.
How to deal with all the bills.
I can bring my baby to the ER at 4 am with a fever of 103, watch him get a spinal tap, and not freak out.
Getting ready to see my husband for the first time in 7 months does take 4 hours.
Don't worry about making sure the house is spotless, he isn't coming home to inspect the house.
I can argue and fight over the phone and internet... It just takes longer.
Care packages are the way to a man's heart.
I can never send enough pictures or care packages to make a deployed husband happy.
Coupons are worth it.
The library has good movies.
I can read a book or watch a movie without disruption if I do it after 10 pm.
To get over any fears of the dark or small creatures cause there is no one there to save the day.
Other Army wives are the only people who know exactly how I feel.
Yard work isn't just a man's job and neither is taking out the trash.
How to talk so the mechanic thinks I know what I am talking about.
Job hunting and house hunting aren't easily done over the internet.
Planning a wedding is impossible with a husband in the Army.
No one is going to do it for you so suck it up and get it done.