Jacob's Here!!!

Wow, so much has happened since I was last on here. First things first, I gave birth to a wonderful baby boy. His name is Jacob and he was born December 7th at 3:02 pm in Grand Forks, ND. He weighed 8 lbs 0.8 oz and was 22 inches long. Childbirth is physically the hardest thing you will ever do in your life but it is soo worth it. David was able to call about 2 hours after he was born. He found out through his dad, I wish it could have been me but what can I do. I have taken many many pictures and I had the birth recorded and mailed it to him. I can't wait till he gets it and watches it, I think he will realize how difficult childbirth is and appreciate me more.

I feel like I am riding an emotional rollercoaster. One moment I am extremely happy and the next I am in tears. I can't believe I have a beautiful son yet I miss his father terribly.

I have taken Jacob to see David's parents and his aunt. I am going to keep them as involved as my family is.

Christmas is fast approaching and I haven't bought any gifts. I guess that will keep me busy this next week.

I have never felt love so strong until I looked into my childs eyes.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Happy Thanksgiving!
I know there is so much I should be thankful for this Thanksgiving but I am depressed and that seems to be shadowing the happiness I should be feeling. I can't seem to quit thinking about some things that I wish I could, I miss David terribly, and I am confused on some other things floating around in my mind. I really shouldn't fill this with woo is me, I have much more than many other people out there. For one thing I was able to celebrate this day with my family unlike those serving in Iraq. I am also going to celebrate the birth of my child very soon and just that is something I am very thankful for. I have a family that loves me, clothes to wear, a roof over my head, and a full stomach... Thank you LORD.
I hope the depressing, confusing thoughts escape my mind soon. I really don't know how to get things out of my mind, but to talk about them and that's something I can't do right now. I guess I will figure it all out some time.
I have been blessed, sometimes we forget that and have to remind ourselves. If you're going to count your problems remember to count your blessings, because there's always more to be happy about than to grumble about.

Talked to David!

I just got done talking to David over MSN. I don't know what to say to him. I want to tell him how much I miss and love him but I always end up talking about stupid stuff that doesn't matter. It hurts so bad to be away from him. I really need to get busy so time goes by quicker. This weekend I am going to Texas to get his car, well I guess it's our car but I can't get myself to call it anything but his. I will be traveling with his Dad and Susan.
6 months and I will see David's face again. I can do it, I did almost 4 months with only talking to him on Sundays for 10 minutes. David did tell me in a short email I got yesterday that they are going into a very dangerous part of Iraq. I kind of wish I didn't know that, but that's OK cause he will come home to me.
Today would have been my cousin, Hailey-Joh's, birthday. She was born Nov. 6 1998 and passed away May 9 1999. Miss you and love you Hailey!
Everyone who reads this please keep him and my other fister boys of 1st Cav in your prayers.
Laughter keeps you from falling down when your world is shaking and turning upside down.

David's in Iraq... 363 days to go.

Well David is now in Iraq. I spent last week in Texas with him, that was the shortest week of my life. Tuesday we got up at 4 am and drove to Fort Hood. We spent a couple hours just hanging out and I also spent it in complete denial. At about 9 am we went into the gym, reality started to set in. As the minutes ticked by I got more and more emotional, I didn't want to let go of David. During the prayer I lost it and silently sobbed on David's knee. When they told us we had 5 minutes to say good bye we stood up and hugged. I wanted to say something special but at first I couldn't get any words out and then all I could say is "I love you". David kept telling me "it's OK, everything will be all right". Watching him leave that gym was the worst moment of my life. We waved goodbye to each other as he neared the doorway. I got in my car and drove around the block to see the white buses parked behind the building. I sat in my car and watched them drive away, I watched my heart and love drive away from me. I left Fort Hood and Texas in general at that time. I started on my way home. Around 4 pm David called to say they stopped in Maine. We had a quick 3 minute lng conversation and at the end all I could say again was "I love you, I love you" I again wanted to say more but the tears stopped that. I got home from Texas yesterday at around 2:30 pm. I haven't heard from David since that last 3 min. long conversation on Tuesday. I miss him so much and can't describe the pain I feel inside. How in the hell did I make it through his time in basic? Right now I want to crawl in a hole and wait this year out, I know I can't and I know that would make it worse. I am just going to have to keep trudging on, keep myself busy, and focus on making myself happy, taking care of our baby (due in 1 month), and strengthening our relationship. Anyone who has ever been in or is going through this please leave a comment I would love to talk to you. David, if you read this please know I love you and miss you.
Use the difficult times in your life as tools to make you a stronger, better person.

ARGH!!!!

I want to spill my guts but I can't. I want to get everything out, because for some reason I am keeping it in. I don't know how many times someone can emotionally hurt another person and expect that person to be able to stand. People have really low points in their lives and I hope this is the lowest point. What doesn't kill us makes us stronger, right? Does it also make us a better and happier person? You can not force someone to want you, need you, or make you happy. You have to be happy with yourself before someone else can be happy with you.. Right?
Pain fades and life gets better, I guess you just need to remind yourself of that when you hurt. When you find yourself in a pile of mud you can't just stand there and sink, you have to keep trudging along until your feet find on soft sand.

Feeling all alone

I dropped David off at the airport today. I am back in Grand Forks. I feel so alone, all I keep thinking about is how bad I want to be with him. This next year is going to be wonderful yet extremely hard. I will be giving birth to a son yet I will be raising him for the next year all alone. In a little over a month I will be watching David board a bus and that will be the last time I see him until he comes home for his 2 week vacation half way through his tour. In 2 1/2 months I will be giving birth to a baby that won't meet his father until he is around 5 months old. Life is never easy yet it is often rewarding.
Don't ever forget to say "I love you", it is the most important thing you will ever say to someone.

Moving home

Today is my last day in Texas. I will be moving home tonight. I am really do not want to do this. I don't like Texas but that is where David is and that is where I want to be. I guess going home means he will be going to Iraq, that makes his deployment seem real. Maybe the fact that he is leaving is starting to hit me. I don't think I will fully realize that he is going until I am back here saying good-bye. Well these boxes aren't going to pack themselves so that means I got to do it.
Life really is like a book. You finish one chapter with a mind full of memories and start a new chapter with a mind full of curiosity.

9/11 - 5 years ago today.

5 years ago today. The twin towers fell, the Pentagon was crushed, and a plane went down. Terrorists flew planes into the towers and they fell. Terrorists crashed into the Pentagon and it's walls came crashing down. Hero's overtook terrorists and their plane went down in a field of death. Lives fell in the towers as memories rose from those ashes. Our nation's finest were lost in the rubble of the Pentagon but there strength fights on in those who continue to fight for our nation. Hero's perished so others could live and we find strength to move on from them.

Baby stuff everywhere!

We went home over the weekend and my family had a going away party for David. All of my mom's side was there and David's immediate family plus a couple more came. It was a lot of fun talking to everyone.
This was the first time my family or David's has seen my belly. I think they all thought it was cute.
I got to see the baby items my mom and David's mom had bought. My mom has a car seat I could use, lots of clothes, a bouncer, a tub, and some other little things. I am also going to use the cradle my mom has. David's mom bought lots and lots of clothes, a Moses basket, and a couple toys. Mostly everything they bought came from garage sales but I am fine with that.
Now all I have to do is get the room ready. Annie is going to live in it for a little while so I can't have it completely set up but I can get it painted and most of the stuff in there. I am hoping Annie and Susan will paint it for me. I wanna go about half way up with some baby blue paint I have and then put trim board around the top of that.
While I was up there my allergies kicked into full gear. They still haven't lightened up yet. I really hate having a runny nose.
My left foot keeps swelling up. I have only been up for an hour and it's already huge. It is kinda scaring me but everyone else thinks it's normal so I will just get used to it.
Cherish time you have with your family.

14 weeks to go

The baby still isn't named but in about 14 weeks he will be here. He is constantly kicking but the second someone goes to touch him he pulls back and doesn't move. I think he is going to be a shy one.
It's looking like David will be leaving for Iraq on October 22 (or around that time). I just wish he could be here to see his baby be born.
I only have a few more days left with Scott and White. My last day of employment is August 30th. They are having a going away party for me that day, so I guess they like me. I am not sure when I will be moving home, sometime soon.
Well, I am starving to death so I need to go eat. Now's the question of what to eat.
Be the first to forgive, life's to short to have enemies.

Official Orders

The official orders came in... David is being deployed sometime this fall. Looks like end of October or beginning of November. I don't know what to think. I am in some sort of denial. Everything will work out. I have lots to do and figure out before then. What to do?
Take one step, one thought, and one day at a time.

The kicking prince

Our little boy has been very active the last week or so. David felt him move for the first time last night. That was a special moment. He is really letting me know he is there. He only has about 19 weeks left to go. I am so not prepared. I guess no one really is prepared to be a parent. I am just very happy and thankful.
So much to do before he comes I really need to get started. I think the first thing should be a name. One of these days we will come up with one.
I still have to work though, so I better get ready for another day.
To feel someone move inside you, knowing that without you they would not be is...... simply magical.

IT'S GOING TO BE A BOY!!!

IT'S GOING TO BE A BOY!!!
Had the ultrasound today, he seemed very proud of his package and showed it off every chance he got. He also grabbed onto his penis during the ultrasound. He weighs 10 oz. right now,good size. His heart beat is 141 bpm. He has a big tummy, so my worry about him being small are over. He was very active and stubborn (just like his daddy). He didn't want to show us the top of his head.
I could tell David was really happy, I think it was hard for him to hold in the excitement.
All our parents know and they are happy.
Now we have to come up with a name...
As this little boy grows inside me so does my love for him grow.

Boy or Girl??... Answer in 2 days.

I wonder how many special occasions can actually suck. The 4th of July blew cause I had to work. My birthday felt like any other day. We dropped Jennifer off in Fort Worth, she had spent the week here. Then we came home after having a 3 hour long discussion on the way home. We went out to eat, and the waiter smelt like piss. We drove around for awhile and then went home and went to sleep. Oh well, at least I am allowed to celebrate those occasions unlike some people.
The new puppy has a name... Brutus. It fits him well; he is sweet and cuddly, then turns around and eats your shoe.
In 2 days we find out the sex of the baby, hopefully. I am starting to feel it kick, it is amazing.
I got a speeding ticket a little while ago. I am pissed cause people were driving faster then me and passing me when the cop decided to pull me over. Oh well, I shouldn't have been speeding.
My gramma had to have blood clots removed from her groin. She's doing well. Thank you GOD!
If the day has been a stressful one, make a point out of watching the sun set. GOD blessed us with this beautiful experience we can enjoy every day, so take a day and enjoy it.

Homesick

I am so very homesick. I would do anything to be lounging around my parent's house right now. It feels like I'll never get home.
Nessa got a new friend, he doesn't have a name but I think he is a pit. He is a cutie, but also a pain in the ass. He chews on everything that fits in his mouth, and stuff that doesn't.
When you lose good communication, the world becomes a lot smaller.

Happy Early Birthday, Mom!

David comes back tomorrow... FINALLY! It feels like it's been forever.
On Wednesday I went to the doctor cause I was still having spotting. He said he didn't see the polyp and figured I didn't have an infection. He took a look at the baby anyway and it was dong great. The baby was pawing at my stomach above it's head and kicked at the sonogram wand when the doctor tried to see it's legs. I didn't want to find out what it was till David was with so we don't know yet. Anyways, the doctor came back after running a test and said I still had the infection so he increased my dose of medicine and started me back on it.
My mom turns 43 tomorrow, so Happy Birthday, MOM!!! I can't believe how young she is for having 4 almost grown children.
Time to clean, got to work in a couple hours.
Live to play not to work..." I've never seen a hearse with a luggage rack..."

2,500... take a minute to mourn.

Alone and doing way to much thinking... That is my current situation.
David is JRTC doing traing right now, he will be home in a couple weeks. So, it's just Nessa and I to fend for ourselves.
I am now 16 weeks along and doing OK. I have an endometrial polyp, which I know nothing about. It causes occasional spotting but no other problems so far. I am still not gaining enough but have did good since my last appointment.
No, I haven't decided on any baby names yet. Still open to any ideas.
There have now been 2,500 soldier deaths in the Iraq war. I pray that David will not be part of the next twenty-five hundred. I don't think GOD would give us a baby just to take David away.
This is the best advice I can give anyone. Drink Drink Drink Water, till you feel like your toes ar floating and then drink some more.

Uncomfortable

Right now I am sitting here in this stupid town in this stupid state wishing I was back home. I miss the comfort of being home. I hate not being familiar with my surroundings, I think no matter how long I am here it will never be home and I will always feel awkward.
I hate knowing my family is all together and I am down here alone, I feel so alone down here when David isn't by my side. I understand we are down here because of the Army and he can't be continuously with me, but I also wish he would understand how I feel when he leaves. I'm not saying he should feel guilty for not being next to me just give me a little more attention when he is here. Sometimes when he is here he still seems distant, I think he is getting ready for when he is deployed. Maybe he thinks if he trys not to care as much it won't hurt as bad being away.
I am in my 2nd trimester now and still puke occasionally. Hopefully the icky part of this ends soon.
How is it, that someone can feel alone in a place full of people?

30 weeks left

I can finally tell the world... I am pregnant! Right now I am 10 weeks along. I have outgrown some jeans. I have a belly already, nothing too big though. The baby is due December 9th. I will be coming back to Grand Forks in early October. David leaves for Iraq the beginning of November and I don't want to be alone down here for the delivery so I am coming back early.
I am excited and happy. I think David is happy yet upset that he won't be here. I am going to send him lots of pics and record lots of the baby while he is away.
The one thing I have noticed is that my depression is coming back, I don't really know how to deal with it now. I guess I will just have to cope.
I have fallen in love with someone that I haven't even seen. I have prayed for someone I haven't even touched. I have talked to someone I haven't even heard. I am cherishing someone that has become a part of me.

It's been a while but nothing has happened

Easter has come and gone. My parents and brothers came down. We didn't do much but they said they had a good time. We barbecued on Easter. We also sat out in the sun and enjoyed the day. I don't think we've ever barbecued on Easter before.
I have requested to go straight evenings and 32 hour weeks at work. I guess I'll see how that works.
My allergies have been killing me lately. I might have to get something for them.
When you receive a gift from heaven it is made from love and is meant to be cherished, for GOD is love and gifts received from GOD are great.

Remember...

"As we grow up, we learn that even the one person that wasn't supposed to ever let us down, probably will. You'll have your heart broken, and you'll break others' hearts. You'll fight with your best friend, or maybe even fall in love with them. And you'll cry because time is flying by. So take too many pictures, laugh too much, forgive freely, and love like you've never been hurt. Life comes with no guarantees, no time outs, no second chances. You just have to live life to the fullest. Tell someone what they mean to you and tell someone off, speak out, dance in the pouring rain, hold someone's hand, comfort a friend, fall asleep watching the sun come up, stay up late, be a flirt, and smile until your face hurts. Don't be afraid to take chances or fall in love and most of all, live in the moment because every second you spend angry or upset is a second of happiness you can never get back."

Missing my bro

Have I ever mentioned how bad it sucks when David is in the field? Well, it really sucks. I have spent the past 2 evenings with Nessa. She is great but difficult to communicate with. We are still looking into getting another puppy. I think it will help with her boredom. Yes, I am concerned about my dog's boredom.
I just got an email from Bobby. He told me how much he loves me and misses me. I started crying and am still... um, well I don't know the emotion I am feeling. I love him so much. I think it's because we are so much alike and many years apart so it's easier for us to get along. I am very grateful to have a loving family and to be so close to my extended family. I feel bad for those that aren't close to their family. I was also very blessed in finding love without any heartbreaks. I really do have a wonderful man. I know he cares and loves me a lot (even when he's not in the mood to show it). Last but not least, I have some wonderful friends. They have my back no matter what. So, to all of you mentioned in this paragraph... I love you all! Thank you for being there for me!
The money issues are getting better, finally some light at the end of this seemingly endless tunnel. I don't want to jinx myself though, we have some work to do on our spending habits.
I have heard that blood is thicker than water... Well I know for a fact that blood is thicker than that beer you share with a stranger. Love you're family unconditionally, because they're there for life.

Sea World and a party

My mind is seriously going five-thousand miles a second. I am worried about how I am going to afford to get my Texas nursing licensure, pay other bills, and keep gas in the vehicle. Sometimes I just want to run away from money issues.
Annie and Jennifer came and spent a week with us. We went to Sea World in San Antonio, ate out alot, they got tattoos, partied a little, and chilled out alot. Sea World was neat. the Killer Whales were huge. I enjoyed the roller coasters. During one of the shows they had the soldiers stand up so everyone could applaud them, I thought that was nice. Regarding the tattoos; Annie got a hummingbird and flower, Jennifer got a flower. We partied a little too hard on Friday night, but it was fun and the next day wasn't that bad either. David and I spent Thursday arguing so it was nice not being mad at each other on Friday.
Work went really slow yesterday, hopefully tonight is better. After having three days off I really didn't want to be there yesterday.
I have to get going cause I have to get ready for work.
"Work sucks, yet I go for the money... In the end I still don't have money yet I have lots of work :("

To get or not to get another dog.

David's eye surgery went well. Thank you GOD.
Texas' creatures are coming out. I almost stepped on a poisenous spider. I am so niave that I thought it was a cricket at first. When I found out it could have hurt me, it's all I can think about. I keep thinking there are spiders and snakes all over. I guess I am a little paranoid now.
Summer is on it's way. Well actually I consider this weather summer but everyone says it gets much warmer. It's ranging from the 70's - 90. I'm lovin' it!
Annie and Jennifer are coming down to visit on Sautrday. My parents are coming to visit in April over Easter. I wish we could get David's parents out to visit. I really think they would like it.
I am finally getting caught up on bills. It feels good to be making decent money.
We are looking for a friend for Vanessa. I can't decide what I want. David wants a bigger dog he can wrestle with. I either want a big dog or a tiny dog that I can cuddle with. The main reason for another dog is for Nessa to not require so much time entertaining her. She gets bored easily.
I made banana bread last night and it turned out really good. I was proud of myself. I like to bake but I am not fond of making the same old boring meals.
I was searching the web the other day trying to see whats up with Felicia's killer's trial. I found a website dedicated to her. It's felicialaduke.com. I miss her, even though I know I wouldn't be talking to her much at this time in my life. It was just nice to know there was a good person like her in my life.
I realize that I often jump from topic to topic. If it bothers you too much than stop reading, but it's my ways of getting some thoughts out of my head.
"Doing nothing is very hard to do... You never know when you're finished"

Happy Mardi Gras!!!

David is having his eye surgery right now. I just pray that everything goes well. I love that man so much. I would rather lose my site before he lost his. I know I can live without it but I think an impairment like that and he would rather be dead.
We have a deaf patient in the hospital. It makes me wish I would have learned more sign. I feel like I can't help the patient as well. I have always been interested in sign language but I've just been too lazy to learn. I am such a procrastinator.
Work is going fine. I am starting to get to know some of my co-workers.
I guess I don't have much to say today. I am missing winter actually, I never thought I would miss snow.
The pasture always looks greener on the other side, but every pasture has it's cow pies.

Happy Belated Valentine's Day!

Happy Belated Valentine's Day!!!
I spent the evening somewhat alone. I worked 6:45 am till 9pm. Then I came home and David's friend and his girlfriend spent some time in the bedroom making so much noise I didn't get to sleep till 11:45pm. I was back up this morning to work at 6:45 am.
For Valentine's day I got a cell phone. I actually got it on Thursday... I think?? I got a frog that sings and $10.
I wish David and I had more alone time. There always seems to be people around. Oh well, that's Army life for ya.
"Who ever said sunshine brings happiness hasn't danced in the rain..."

My fat clothes aren't even fitting anymore!

Well, here I am sitting in front of the T.V. with the laptop on my lap after a long days work. I am starting to enjoy work. "Enjoy" is a strong word; I am putting up with work and not hating it.
I got a Valentine from Gramma. It made me happy.
I keep thinking about our future wedding. I have all these ideas I wish I could share with David. But I told him I wouldn't start planning till he was over seas. I think I keep thinking about it because Valentine's Day is coming up.
I have gained tons of weight since I moved down here. I am going to have to start a diet before my clothes don't fit.
I should probably get cleaning even though I don't want to. I guess no one ever is happy to clean, but if we didn't we would live in a filthy world.
Make love tonight cause it's good exercise. :)

I got a job! I got a job! I got a job!!!!

I got a job!!! I start on January 23rd at 7:45 am. I will be working for Scott & White Hospital as an LVN on the rehab floor. I will be making around $14/hr. I am just happy to have a job that pays decently... finally!
David and I got into a big argument the other day. After we had a few minutes to calm down David came and got me and we acted as if it never happened. I hope that's a good thing that we can just move on after a fight, but I am scared it's bad because we never actually resolve the issue. Oh well, all is good now and that's what matters.
Nessa must want something to do cause she is laying by the living room door staring outside. She is just so damn cute!
I guess there isn't much to say, probably cause all I can think about is food right now. I am starving.
Don't eat food you don't like. This could be your last meal and why ruin it on crappy food.

BORED!!!

I am completely bored out of my mind! I have been sitting her for 3 days all by myself. I have spent way to much time on the computer in front of the tv.
I worked out yesterday and Monday, I am very sore today. I think I will still workout before bed, just to keep up with it. I am using the Carmen Electra workout dvd's. They really work.
I had an interview at Scott and White hospital today. I will know on Friday if I got the job or not. Otherwise I have applications out all over this stupid town.
Nessa is really bored too. Probably cause I don't play with her as much as they guys do.
If boredom could kill I am long long gone.

Easy Bake Oven, Baby!!!

Here I am sitting on my ass in Killeen, TX. I am still job hunting. Hopefully something will turn up soon cause I have no money left... I haven't had any money for a long time.
On to some happier topics... The weather down here is still beautiful. We've had the patio door open all day. I am watching "Dirty Dancing" and that always puts a smile on my face.
Christmas was good this year. I finally got my Easy Bake Oven... Only 15 years late :) I got a taser gun too. That will make me feel safer when David is away. I got lots of cute clothes, I just love clothes. Putting on a new outfit makes my day a little better.
Sheena's baby was born a few days after Christmas. So I would like to welcome Carter into our family. I feel sorry for you... OK I am just kidding.
People say money doesn't buy happiness, but I think it would make happiness a hell of a lot easier to come buy. So why don't you give me the money and I'll put your theory to test. I am sure with a few thousand I will be much much happier.